Under-where?

How come superheroes get away with this? How come you see Superman zooming around town, and you rejoice and cheer but nobody is asking the obvious question. How come if the weird lonely guy with a peculiar accent does this, everyone goes mental? I mean seriously, wearing your underwear was meant to be worn under your clothes, not to pull up a pair when you already have pants on. See, superheroes can do that, they can just wear any fashion accessory and nobody will bat an eyelid because it is part of their costume. Oh really now. I had the unpleasant experience of watching underwear fashion, honestly I watched to see what the new models are, not the walking sticks, I meant the underwear models, get a grip guys. Anyhow, it seems that in the near future we will wear our underwear on the outside, like Superman. Maybe I will gain superpowers as well, well besides the super wedgie that comes with it.

Soon enough we will all be whooshing around like vigilante defenders of justice, but until that time, I see London I see France I can see your underpants! Ha! However, try to keep your pants up, nobody likes to see people bend over with a full moon in the afternoon, well alright, maybe some like it, but don’t, just don’t. For bacon’s sake, there are children out there, think of the children! Underwear was created with one thing in mind, to keep your private parts, well private, let’s try to keep it that way shall we? Also, full moon sightings are a natural beauty, let’s also keep that the way it is, shall we?

People are nagging how global warming is doing this, and global warming is doing that, well we now have evidence for those claims, I declare global warming to be a somewhat worrying fact. Why somewhat, well, the evidence can be found in our pants, STOP, before you even go there, I mean underwear! Just think about it, underwear pieces are getting smaller and smaller, a clear proof that something funky is going on in nature.

How come girls, and I can’t emphasize this enough, GIRLS, are embarrassed to be seen in their underwear and yet, they frolic and prance around in their swimwear like there is no tomorrow. I may be missing something, but to me, and I believe to a lot of people too, there is no difference between underwear and swimwear, both getups perform the same function. Mind puzzling that what it is.

Underwear will always be a delicate topic to cover, but let’s just do that, let’s cover our delicates and try not burn someone’s eyes with indecent exposure, there is a time and place for it, and we call it private time for a reason. And now for the love of bacon, pull up your pants, you’re a grown man.

By Dejan Vicai